Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Hot-girl-Hush

This is a phenomenon that occurs every day across high school and college campuses. Actually it occurs all across America. Well all of that to say it just occurs anytime there is a beautiful girl and a guy in the same location.

I became aware of the hot-girl-hush one calm day in Hawaii. I was working at the library of the university there, and I had 3 friends chatting with me at my desk which was located in the middle of the library. All of the sudden, mid-conversation I see one of my buddy's eyes start to drift to the left, then 2, then all 3. Not only did the eyes drift but they went quiet. A beautiful brunette was walking up to my desk to staple some of her papers. The hush remained until about 5 seconds after she left. We then proceeded to all stare at each other with blank looks across our faces for another few seconds until one of us says, “So..umm..what were we talking about?” We’d completely forgotten. How do you spot a hot-girl-hush. Oh it’s pretty easy..just look for a few guys standing by each other that look like they just got dropped off in China, and have no idea where they are or even who they are.

The worst is when girls try to talk to guys when they are experiencing the hot girl hush. The episode with my 3 friends at the library for example went a little something like this: “Hey can I use the stapler?” “Uhhh….umm…what did you say?” “The stapler” me, “yeah..” “Can I borrow it.” (I snap out of the hot-girl-hush) “Oh yeah..for sure! Sorry, I didn’t know what you were saying.” And the fact is I honestly didn’t.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I hate voicemail

Voicemail, it’s like talking to a wall but somebody gets to hear it whenever they check their phone. Nobody's good at it, I mean have you ever heard somebody when asked what they are good at say, “I’m great at leaving voicemails.” No! you’ll never hear that because no one is good at it, and if there was someone somehow that became good at it you’d know, they’d be a celebrity. Why this tirade about how crappy voicemail is? Let me explain with a little story. I didn’t just trip-I faceplanted it.

A little background: I been on a couple of dates with this girl, she was extremely pretty and very fun. I saw her talked to her the day before the voicemail and she’d said that she wanted to do something during the week. She worked early in the morning and would go to bed pretty early from around 9:45-10:00 pm.

To make it easier to understand, I’m going to put what was going on in my head in between brackets { }.

Now the long awaited voicemail after 4 rings:

“Hey Ashley this is Dan, sorry to call so late I know it’s past your bedtime {Did I just say bedtime in a voicemail?!!! Freak! Recover! Recover!} umm….i mean you have to get up early…umm you work early…Anywho so I was wondering if you wanted to hang out or do something this week…but if you don’t want to it’s totally {I can’t believe I just said if you don’t want to! Recover!} ummm..I mean if you don’t have time or if you’re busy…umm…well I guess if I don’t see you have a good weekend. Bye.”

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Je suis francais

Frenching: the art of pretending you are French to get special treatment, free food, and avoid conversations you don’t want to have

Have you ever noticed that people treat foreigners better? Yup, it’s true. It all started in a little place called Southern California in a town called Huntington. Myself and 2 friends go restaurant, one of my friends and I are both fluent in French. So naturally my French speaking friend decides to ask the girl at the register if they give discounts for foreigners because their friend (me) was French. She said no but that didn’t stop us from pretending, I just ordered everything I wanted through him.

Before we left I decided there are times when you just have to leave a good impression so I walked up to the girl at the register and said, “Bonjour! You very beautiful girl,” smiling kind of awkwardly, she got very excited and then we left. Wait a second…what just happened? If any American said this to her he’d be considered creepy or weird but since I was French I can walk up to a girl I don’t know and tell her she’s beautiful and not only get away with it get points for it? Next we saw a couple of cute girls walking so we decided we’d see how the street approach worked all w/ the French accent of course, “Bonjour..euu..I meen hi.” “Oh hey!! Are you guys French??!” “Oui..I meen yes. Where you from?” “Oh us, we’re from long beach.” “Long beach? You know snoop dog is he your friend” The girls start laughing, “No we don’t know him.” We decided to end it and walk into a store (American AParal) “Au revoir!” “Oh see you boys.” They laugh at jokes that aren’t funny when I am a foreigner..this is nice.

American Apparal was fun too. Since they thought we were French they weren’t afraid to talk about us in front of us, but for some reason 3 average looking guys all of the sudden became ‘hot’ according to the American Apparel girls. How did we become “hot” so fast? Easy, we became foreigners, French foreigners.

Easy laughs, you can say whatever you want, people are very friendly all of the time-once you start frenching being American is never quite the same.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Take the blanket.

After we all finished saying, “Amen” I did the first thing every good mormon boy does after a fireside…and scanned the audience for cute girls. Scanning in front-check. Scanned to the sides-double check. Scanning behind-Holy COW! That girl is gorgeous! I saw what I’d been scanning for. Then I realized the sad but very real truth, she was overdressed. No, she was WAY overdressed for a fireside, her cloths were just way too nice. “Oh overdresser,” I muttered.

Then I did the second thing that that every good Mormon boy does after a fireside, I went to eat the post-fireside brownies. So as I’m eating some brownies with the boys my friend Jill, who was in a girl group, saw me and called me over. So I did the third thing that every good mormon boy should do after a fireside, go to the girl group. Jill then introduces me to all of the girls in her girl group one of whom was of course the “overdresser.”

An hour after the fireside I got a text from my friend Jill saying she wanted to set me up with the “overdresser” turns out her real name was Ashley. Anywho..having been taught in my youth never to say no to being set up with a very attractive girl I of course said yes. However, I’m not gonna lie, I had pretty low expectations. Being an overdresser, I figured she was high maintenance and let’s face it, no guy is a big fan of that. I showed up to pick her up..she’s not ready. But something happened that night with me and the overdresser, we totally hit it off. Turns out I’m a horrible judge of character, and she was really down to earth.

Around midnight we got back to her house to hang out a little more, everything was going great.* We go in and we’re sitting right next to each other on this huge couch, no gap between us, “A good sign,” I say to myself. Then she looks over at me for about half a second does a semi raise of the eyebrows and walks to the closet bringing back a blanket. She sits right back down next to me, no gap, and says, “Do you want some blanket?” Me, “No, I’m okay.” She sort of gives me the taken back look. About 40 minutes later we said our goodbyes and I went home.

The next day I did what all boys do and consulted my #1 wingman Taylor. “Taylor, what does it mean if a girl offers you blanket?” Response, “Well, it means she either wants to cuddle with you or maybe hold hands. Either way it’s a great sign.” Me, “Ohhhhhhh……hmmmmm.” Taylor, “Why did that happen to you?” Me, “yeah last night.” Taylor, “With Ashley?!!” Me, “Yup…” Taylor, “And..!” Me, “I told her no. I wasn’t cold!!!” Taylor, “You blew it!!! She put herself out there and then you totally rejected her! You idiot!” Me, “Freak I blew it!” “yeah you did yeah you did jones you totally blew it. I don't care if you're sweating, you take the blanket!!!!”

Even if you're sweating, take the blanket.