Sunday, October 24, 2010

the many faces of "wingman"

The smooth wingman: Always in the right place at the right time. He helps you get the lady, not just the one that you want, but the one that you need. Helps position you in the right place, will flirt with the girls enough to get them interested in doing something but not enough to get them interested in him. That's when he passes the baton. His job is to get the attention, your job is to keep it.

The awkward wingman: This wingman has float-and-driftitis. He just doesn’t know how to do it. Every time you are in a great conversation with the ladeis he just stands there and doesn’t say anything besides his name. Taking an awkward wingman is like taking the wounded to battle. They can’t do much to help and you always have to carry them out.

The anti-wingman: You bring him along for the assist and then he tries to go for the basket. He’s the type of guy that would try to hike himself the ball and then try to pass himself the game-winning pass. He’s the guy you bring that doesn’t just try to steal the girl but your girl. He thwarts or tries to thwart every solid attempt. They seem helpful till they step onto the playing field then it is their game and they are the player worth watching. Don’t be tricked into believing they really want to help because they’re nice before and after the game. That’s how you become one of their spectators. Don’t spend too much time with the anti-wingman because then you’ll become one.

Stay tuned next week for the leach, the tag-along, and the 50-yard fake-out.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

320 What?

I went to Smith’s intending to buy granola bars. I walked out with 320 pop-tarts.

“Snacks. I need snacks.” I was starving. It’d been about 3 hours since my last meal. Wanting something to feel satisfied but not stuffed; I headed to the campus convenience store. It’s named the Twilight, but it closes at seven. “Hmm……Candy bars are just way to pricey these days. There is no way I’m paying $1 for a candy bar. Gosh, you gotta buy in bulk to get anything reasonably priced. A pound of Reese’s Pieces for $4.20?”

After five pounds of Reese’s pieces and weighing six pounds heavier in three weeks, I decided it was time for a new snack. Fruit is too healthy. Vegetables need to be carried in little bags. I needed something sweet but already in a bag. I needed granola bars. Ever since their creation, granola bars have been the camper’s best friend, the runner’s staple, and the dieter’s desert. Walking down the granola bar isle I passed the pop-tart. “Woh…$2 for a box of 8….or $1.50 for 10 boxes….plus a $.75-off coupon for every 2 boxes you buy….hmmm.”

I was going to stop at 10 boxes but I wanted more flavors. 20 boxes. “They don’t expire till August next year?!!” 30 boxes. “Cookie-dough pop-tarts” 40 boxes. 320 pop-tarts.

Pop-tarts can’t be much healthier than Reese’s, but at least now I have a year’s supply.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Pudding-Soaked Brownie

I am cheap. I am in college. I am a Mormon. I am a Hunter of Free Food. I stalk campus eyes peeled for pizza delivery boys. Once they are sighted, I watch from a distance, watching where they will place the pizza. As others approach I go in for the kill usually taking 2-3 slices more than anyone else. Some people call this sad I call it survival.

I was given a small task to do by a friend this week. “Give someone a Coke.” Coke=anything that someone can eat. As a Hunter of Free Food, I am too cheap to buy this “Coke” so I hunted for it. I found a sound gathering where lasagna, macaroni, salad, breadsticks, water, cookies and brownies were being given away. You can’t just give someone a slice of lasagna. “Hey you want some lasagna?” It’s too big and it could stain their cloths. There are way too many lawsuits these days, and I just don’t want to get sued for giving someone the lasagna because stained their cloths. I’d end up like the people that gave the women the coffee that burned her, embarrassed and broke.

The brownies and cookies were in short supply. I grabbed 2 of the 12 cookies one of the 15 brownies and put them on top of my chocolate pudding. (who can resist cookies and brownies soaked in chocolate pudding right?) Luckily, I was able to beat the crowd (100 people) to the desert table.

Placing cookies and brownies is easy right? So I thought, until I tried to give them away to girls. Girls don’t like guys to think they eat a lot so they generally will resist when you offer them baked goods. It wasn’t easy getting rejected by the first two girls that I offered the cookies and brownies too. At first I thought it was me, then I realized it was them being selfish trying to be skinny.

Third time’s the charm. The third girl accepted the cookie dipped in pudding. It was a beautiful moment. She realized I was her only chance to get a desert after that meal. All the other deserts were taken so then what does she do? She takes my pudding-soaked brownie. Turns out she’s a Hunter of Free Food too.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Obligated to Eat

Rick Jones. He eats expired food like it’s fresh. Once my mom was about to throw away an old cake and he stopped her. “But Rick it’s old and crusty.” His immortal reply, “I like it crusty!” He’s also been known to clean up the plates of people he doesn’t know…at restaurants. Rick’s brother-Kap Jones. He eats others leftovers like it’s the main course. He’s known for a strong second wind after everyone else finishes. We once watched him drink the leftover cold cereal milk from my cousins bowls….that had been sitting there for 2 hours. Their father-Ed Jones. Let’s keep this simple. He was once observed eating old grapes that had been thrown into the family garden because they were bad. Just dust them off and eat them like they’re right off the vine. Why do they do it? Were they starving? I don’t think so, let’s take a look at their professions; CEO of a bank, university professor, and lawyer. Hmmm…doesn’t look like they were in dire need does it? It’s because they weren’t.

While the obligation to eat has not reached the hearts and minds of the third generation Joneses, the lack of fear towards food has. The Grandsons of Ed take chances and risks on a daily basis in the face of bad food. One Grandson of Ed ate a slice of cake that was sitting at the top of a pile of garbage while still inside the can. He claims that despite being in the can it was above the brim.

As Joneses they all believe in something, something that strikes deep at the core of who they are..don’t waste food. They just can’t stand to see food go to waste, so what do they do? They save it, or in more plain English-they eat it. They fear no mold, and bacteria doesn’t scare them. They relish the opportunity to be saviors of the unwanted…unwanted food that is. (A save is when you keep food from going into the garbage, no matter the condition of the food.) One bright shining day the most fearless Grandson of Ed was in a magical place we call Disney Land. While in line for the classic, It’s a Small World ride, he passed a garbage can with a pizza crust inside. If you think you know what happened next guess again. He ripped off the bite marks then he ate it.