I am cheap. I am in college. I am a Mormon. I am a Hunter of Free Food. I stalk campus eyes peeled for pizza delivery boys. Once they are sighted, I watch from a distance, watching where they will place the pizza. As others approach I go in for the kill usually taking 2-3 slices more than anyone else. Some people call this sad I call it survival.
I was given a small task to do by a friend this week. “Give someone a Coke.” Coke=anything that someone can eat. As a Hunter of Free Food, I am too cheap to buy this “Coke” so I hunted for it. I found a sound gathering where lasagna, macaroni, salad, breadsticks, water, cookies and brownies were being given away. You can’t just give someone a slice of lasagna. “Hey you want some lasagna?” It’s too big and it could stain their cloths. There are way too many lawsuits these days, and I just don’t want to get sued for giving someone the lasagna because stained their cloths. I’d end up like the people that gave the women the coffee that burned her, embarrassed and broke.
The brownies and cookies were in short supply. I grabbed 2 of the 12 cookies one of the 15 brownies and put them on top of my chocolate pudding. (who can resist cookies and brownies soaked in chocolate pudding right?) Luckily, I was able to beat the crowd (100 people) to the desert table.
Placing cookies and brownies is easy right? So I thought, until I tried to give them away to girls. Girls don’t like guys to think they eat a lot so they generally will resist when you offer them baked goods. It wasn’t easy getting rejected by the first two girls that I offered the cookies and brownies too. At first I thought it was me, then I realized it was them being selfish trying to be skinny.
Third time’s the charm. The third girl accepted the cookie dipped in pudding. It was a beautiful moment. She realized I was her only chance to get a desert after that meal. All the other deserts were taken so then what does she do? She takes my pudding-soaked brownie. Turns out she’s a Hunter of Free Food too.